Attention All Authors You Must Now Have Melissa Foster’s Explicit Permission Before You Publish Or Promote Your Works!

Snark ahead...

Henceforth and retroactively to the beginning of time, all authors must have Melissa Foster’s express written permission before publishing any book, article, short story, or any other creative work. Before discussing or promoting your work by any means or in any form, you also must have Melissa Foster’s express written permission.

If you are or claim to be a bestselling author, henceforth and forever (and retroactively to the beginning of time and after getting express written permission from Melissa Foster), you must explicitly state all details regarding such matters. Specifically, you must state that you are “A _(Insert Name)_ Bestselling author For _(Insert Date/Time)_ for a _(Type of Work)_ work called ________, which appeared on the _________ bestselling list in the # ______ position.” You must then link to screenshots of the bestseller listing that have been independently certified by the White House and signed by the President of the United States, forgoing that you must have Melissa Foster’s signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most promotional materials, you must add the screenshots to your book covers or other promotional materials.

No longer is it possible for any author anywhere to state they are a bestselling author, a USA Today bestselling author, a New York Times bestselling author, etc or to print such things on any book cover or use in any promotional materials. You must now state explicitly all details regarding such matters. For example, you must state that you are “A New York Times Bestselling author For the Week of October 25, 2013 for a fiction work called Tiger Little, which appeared on the New York Times Children’s Bestseller list in the #23 position.”

You must then link to screenshots of the bestseller listing that have been independently certified by the White House and signed by the President of the United States, forgoing that you must have Melissa Foster’s signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most promotional materials, you must add certified screenshots to your book covers or other promotional materials, such certification to be performed solely by Melissa Foster or her designated appointee.

An example of the mandatory covers now universally required

(shown without the required certified screenshots).

*Your actual cover or promotional materials

 must also include certified screenshots.

Further, if you or your book are mentioned in the press, you must always state the exact specifics any time you mention such. Specifically, you must state that you are “The _(Insert Name)_ recommended _(Name/Work)_ on _(Insert Date/Time)_ in a/an _(Insert Type of Media Item)_ called _(Insert Title of Media Item)_. The _(Insert Type of Media Item)_ was written by (Insert Name, Title of Media Item Author)_ as can be verified by _( Media Item Author’s Manager)_ and _(Insert Name/Title of Executive Manager). The exact quote is “_______________” You must then link to screenshots of the article that have been independently certified by the White House and signed by the President of the United States, forgoing that you must have Melissa Foster’s signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most promotional materials, you must add certified screenshots to your book covers or other promotional materials.

Thus, no longer is it possible for any author anywhere to state they were featured, recommended or talked about in The New York Times, Publishers Weekly, etc or to print such things on any book cover or use in any promotional materials. You must now state explicitly all details regarding such matters. For example, you must now state “The New York Times recommended Anastasia Washington’s book Jump Up & Down on October 25, 2013 in an article called Talking About Authors in New York. The article was written by M. J. Dungbury, Around the Town Features Reporter for The New York Times as can be verified by Kathy Klinkbot, Managing Editor for The New York Times and J. J. Harrington Chairman of the Board of The New York Times. The exact quote is “When it comes to bicycle jumping, the book Jump Up & Down is a good resource. Jump Up & Down tells the story of a bicycle paratrooper from World War II who loved pinto beans and ate nothing but for 83 years.”

You must then link to screenshots of the media item that have been independently certified by the White House and signed by the President of the United States, forgoing that you must have Melissa Foster’s signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most promotional materials, you must add the screenshots to your book covers or other promotional materials.

At times, and at Melissa Foster’s whim and fancy, none of the above may be acceptable either. In such cases, you must fly to Melissa Foster’s hometown, and beg mercy while bathing her feet in warm, rose-scented waters. However, being a Vulcan, Melissa Foster does not actually understand simple human compassion, empathy, decency, fairness or any other silly human sentiments or emotions, though she does a superb job of feigning that she does. Thus, if the feet bathing ceremony does not work out in your favor, you are expected to do the universe a favor and commit hari-kari. If you are lacking a blade with which you can commit hari-kari, one will be provided to you for your one-time use, provided you return the blade postage-paid and professionally cleaned.

*These rules do not apply to Melisa Foster, Friends of Foster, or those who have been granted mercy after bathing the All God's feet in warm rose-scented waters.

**Professional cleaning of the hari-kari blade ensures the next victim does not have second thoughts about committing hari-kari. Be sure to make arrangements prior to committing hari-kari.

***Failure to follow these mandatory requirements, except as permitted in the forgoing, will result in severe consequences, up to and including a lifetime of stalking, harassment, and intimidation all done with a smile.

**** Questions, comments, and/or suggestions should be directed to Her Benevolence, Dictator of the World, All God, One True God of the Whole Entirety of the Known (And Unknown And Yet to Be Known) Universe, Her Majestic Supremeness And All Knowing Omnipotence Melissa Foster.