Snark ahead...
Henceforth and retroactively to the beginning of time, all
authors must have Melissa Foster’s express written permission before publishing
any book, article, short story, or any other creative work. Before discussing
or promoting your work by any means or in any form, you also must have Melissa
Foster’s express written permission.
If you are or claim to be a bestselling author, henceforth
and forever (and retroactively to the beginning of time and after getting
express written permission from Melissa Foster), you must explicitly state all
details regarding such matters. Specifically, you must state that you are “A _(Insert
Name)_ Bestselling author For _(Insert Date/Time)_ for a _(Type of Work)_ work
called ________, which appeared on the _________ bestselling list in the #
______ position.” You must then link to screenshots of the bestseller listing
that have been independently certified by the White House and signed by the
President of the United States, forgoing that you must have Melissa Foster’s
signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most promotional materials, you must add the screenshots to your book covers or other
promotional materials.
No longer is it possible for any author anywhere to state
they are a bestselling author, a USA Today bestselling author, a New York Times
bestselling author, etc or to print such things on any book cover or use in any
promotional materials. You must now state explicitly all details regarding such
matters. For example, you must state that you are “A New York Times Bestselling
author For the Week of October 25, 2013 for a fiction work called Tiger Little,
which appeared on the New York Times Children’s Bestseller list in the #23
position.”
You must then link to screenshots of the bestseller listing that
have been independently certified by the White House and signed by the
President of the United States, forgoing that you must have Melissa Foster’s
signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most promotional materials, you must add certified screenshots to your book covers or other
promotional materials, such certification to be performed solely by Melissa
Foster or her designated appointee.
An example of the mandatory covers now universally required
(shown without the required certified screenshots).
*Your actual cover or promotional materials
must also include
certified screenshots.
Further, if you or your book are mentioned in the press, you
must always state the exact specifics any time you mention such. Specifically, you must state that you are “The _(Insert
Name)_ recommended _(Name/Work)_ on _(Insert Date/Time)_ in a/an _(Insert Type
of Media Item)_ called _(Insert Title of Media Item)_. The _(Insert Type of
Media Item)_ was written by (Insert Name, Title of Media Item Author)_ as can be
verified by _( Media Item Author’s Manager)_ and _(Insert Name/Title of
Executive Manager). The exact quote is “_______________” You must then link to screenshots
of the article that have been independently certified by the White House and
signed by the President of the United States, forgoing that you must have
Melissa Foster’s signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most
promotional materials, you must add certified screenshots to your book covers or
other promotional materials.
Thus, no longer is it possible for any author anywhere to state
they were featured, recommended or talked about in The New York Times,
Publishers Weekly, etc or to print such things on any book cover or use in any
promotional materials. You must now state explicitly all details regarding such matters. For example, you must now state “The New York Times recommended
Anastasia Washington’s book Jump Up & Down on October 25, 2013 in an
article called Talking About Authors in New York. The article was written by M.
J. Dungbury, Around the Town Features Reporter for The New York Times as can be
verified by Kathy Klinkbot, Managing Editor for The New York Times and J. J. Harrington
Chairman of the Board of The New York Times. The exact quote is “When it comes
to bicycle jumping, the book Jump Up & Down is a good resource. Jump Up
& Down tells the story of a bicycle paratrooper from World War II who loved
pinto beans and ate nothing but for 83 years.”
You must then link to screenshots of the media item that have been independently certified by the White House and signed by the
President of the United States, forgoing that you must have Melissa Foster’s
signature. As clickable links are not permitted on book covers or in most promotional materials, you must add the screenshots to your book covers or other
promotional materials.
At times, and at Melissa Foster’s whim and fancy, none of the
above may be acceptable either. In such cases, you must fly to Melissa Foster’s
hometown, and beg mercy while bathing her feet in warm, rose-scented waters. However,
being a Vulcan, Melissa Foster does not actually understand simple human compassion,
empathy, decency, fairness or any other silly human sentiments or emotions, though she does a superb job of feigning that she does.
Thus, if the feet bathing ceremony does not work out in your favor, you are
expected to do the universe a favor and commit hari-kari. If you are lacking a
blade with which you can commit hari-kari, one will be provided to you for your
one-time use, provided you return the blade postage-paid and professionally
cleaned.
*These rules do not apply to Melisa Foster, Friends of Foster, or those who have been granted mercy after bathing the All God's feet in warm rose-scented waters.
**Professional cleaning of the hari-kari blade ensures the next victim does not have second thoughts about committing hari-kari. Be sure to make arrangements prior to committing hari-kari.
***Failure to follow these mandatory requirements, except as permitted in the forgoing, will result in severe
consequences, up to and including a lifetime of stalking, harassment, and
intimidation all done with a smile.
**** Questions, comments, and/or suggestions should be directed to Her Benevolence, Dictator of the World, All God, One True God of the Whole Entirety of the Known (And Unknown And Yet to Be Known) Universe, Her Majestic Supremeness And All Knowing Omnipotence Melissa Foster.
